I Can’t Do This Anymore.

Okay, here’s the thing.

I don’t think I have any friends. Not only this, but I don’t think anyone – and by this, I mean ANYONE, including my family and everyone around me – cares about me. I mean, I get that. I get that I can be really annoying and stupid and sometimes maybe people just want to punch me. Okay – a lot of the time, then. But I thought that maybe my friends liked me, sometimes. But they don’t. I just realised that they really, really don’t. I have no-one. I mean, today was really hard for me… and nobody cared. Like in books, if you tell your BEST FRIEND something big like maybe your parents  might be getting a divorce, and they’ve been arguing for months now and your mum was reduced to tears again and your dad tried to punch you and everyone was screaming at each other and then you had to leave the house because you were so upset and you feel worthless and everyone hates you, they care. They rush around to your house with ice cream and sweets and tell you that it’ll be okay. They don’t say ‘Really?! Are they going to get one?!’ In a way that shows they don’t actually give a shit at all.

And then Abbie. I told her, and I sort of expected her to care, because I was a fucking shoulder for her to cry on when she was depressed and almost suicidal. She isn’t the only one who’s ever felt suicidal, but she fucking acts like it. Other people might as well not be here. I might as well not be here. There’s nothing left for me to live for anymore. I actually fucking hate myself. I HATE myself. I have nothing good about me whatsoever. I’m fat and ugly and spotty and stupid and I’m horrible to everyone. It’s no wonder I don’t have any friends, my parents say it all the time. Nobody likes me because I’m a bitch and I shout at people too much. I don’t do the dishes properly because the spoon still had sticky stuff on it and the bowl that wasn’t mine still had mushy cornflakes in the bottom because they wouldn’t come out. I can’t even get exams right anymore – I got a fucking D in Chemistry, even though I studied for it and thought I did okay. I can’t do anything. I’m like a fucking obese whale that just sits around writing because it can’t do anything else. I’m not funny, I’m not pretty, I’m not smart. What the fuck am I, then? Worthless.

I just want to die. Maybe death will be a relief, after this shitty existence. Everybody hates me, and the people that actually don’t don’t realise my existence. Even my parents tried to blame their threatening divorce on me. It’s all my fault, because I asked for money to go out with, even though I didn’t actually ask for any because I ALREADY HAD IT. Mum got a letter from the bank and freaked out, and she was crying over something on eBay because it had gone wrong and then they started screaming at each other and she was crying. Dad almost punched me in the face and was swearing his head off and I didn’t know what to do, so I ran to my room, and he said, very loudly, ‘Why the fuck are you running off like you’re scared of me? You’re fucking pathetic’. I know I’m pathetic. Don’t you think I know that? I can’t do anything. Everyone patronises me. I’m sick of it. I just want out of here. If I killed myself, I don’t think many people would even bloody notice. People at school certainly wouldn’t. Maybe Rachel would, but I don’t think she’d actually care. Nobody would actually care – I’m kidding myself if I think otherwise. I feel like raking my nails down my arms just to feel SOMETHING other than intense hatred for myself.

I just want to die.

I Hate Tuesdays Even More Than I Hate Every Other Day.

Tuesdays are hellish. Just thought I’d mention it to you guys. Even Mondays aren’t THAT bad, considering. Today was awful, although I kind of expected it to be. Yesterday I only got home at twenty to six, and then I had to go out again because my parents decided to drag me shopping. I had to stay behind at school for two hours for the final RS revision, and they ordered pizzas in (which we had to pay for!) but they only got there like ten minutes before the end so I had to carry mine outside with me. We had Pepsi and crisps as well, which was okay, and answered a load of exam questions. It wasn’t so bad. Today was the actual exam, and, after two hours of revision this morning in class and a little more just before the exam, plus the millions of revision sessions that I’ve been to over the past month, I was pretty much prepared. I think I did okay-ish on the actual exam, but it was boring and stuffy in the hall and we were stuck in there for about two hours. Plus, my hand cramped and I could hardly write/move it for ages. I kept having crazy thoughts again, although this time I decided against sharing them with Rachel.

We had Biology revision after school (I never seem to go home at the normal time anymore. I don’t know why I try so hard – I’m either going to pass or fail. It’s not like I even need Science for anything), which was pretty hellish, especially when Sharif told us that some people had failed the Physics mock that we did yesterday. I don’t really care if I have – it was totally unfair anyway. We were supposed to have an hour to do it and we only got about 40 minutes because he spent half the lesson fussing over chairs, and we were allowed calculators but he couldn’t be bothered to go and find any so we had to do large sums in our heads. Plus, the parts that he’s taught us, he taught us wrongly, or in a way that nobody except Liam understands. Oh, that reminds me, he was extremely nice to me today. We were coming out of Maths, where, again, we were doing exam questions, and he wished me good luck for the exam because he doesn’t have to do it because he didn’t pick RS, and he said he knows I’ll do okay because I’m really smart. Considering he’s extremely weird and creepy most of the time, other times he’s alright. It’s just when he’s trying to impress people that he really gets on my nerves.

When I got home I did my Spanish homework – guess what it is? Yep, you got it. An exam paper. I fed the cats and tripped over them and let them outside. I did the dishes, despite my hands still cramping. And I still got shouted at because I’m lazy and incompetent and annoying.

WHICH REMINDS ME, in Maths we had to play this game in groups and since I have no friends, I got shoved with Jess Jones and Catriona and Bridget, and all they bloody blabbered on about was clothes and the fact that they were going shopping for perfume and body lotion after school!!! They even got the River Island app up on their phones and started comparing outfits. Normal girl talk freaks me out. I’m glad to say I’ve never been a participant, willing or otherwise, unless Danielle played a part.

Right, it’s shower time. Sweet dreams and loads of love from a sleepy and ill Alex xoxoxox

I Need To Get Drunk, Or High, Or SOMETHING.

I constantly feel too wide awake. Even when I’m exhausted, like now, there’s no escape from the real world and from my parents and from school and everything. I want to be so tired that I can hardly see, and I’d like to forget where I am for a while, and forget that there are other people around me. I’d like to be alone for a while, or with someone who really, truly cares about me, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon, so I’ll go with being alone. Even when I hide in my bedroom they shout at me and moan at me and I feel so trapped in this house all the time. I’m even trapped at school, with all the pathetic people there with the odd thought rolling around in their vacant heads. Everybody talks about such trivial things – it’s awful. I feel like I’m the only one who is capable of rational thinking anymore. Maybe I read too much. I just feel like I need to pour my heart out, even if nobody’s listening to me. I don’t want anyone to care about me anymore. I want to be NOTHING. I don’t want responsibilities, I don’t want people to worry about me or yell at me. I want to be reckless. I want to run across roads without looking and see if a car will hit me. I want to stand in the middle of a busy street and just have people shove me from either side, and I don’t want them to give a damn if they knock into me too hard.

I just want to be away from here, just for a little while. Just… anywhere, really. Anywhere except this grotty old town with this stuffy house. I’ve tried going into the backyard, but it’s even stuffy out there. Everything’s too small and compact and claustrophobic. I feel like I’m too sane, almost. I’d love to be insane, just for a little while, because crazy people don’t know what’s going on. I’d like to not know, just for a little while, maybe. If I was daring enough to steal some alcohol from the kitchen, maybe I could forget for a little while, but I don’t even think that would work. I’m not reckless enough to drink, anyway. I can’t even handle more than a couple of sips of cider before the taste gets too much. I’m pathetic. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m awake. I’m not even bleary-eyed. I’m so ALERT and AWARE of every little thing, and I can’t stop thinking and analysing stuff that shouldn’t be analysed. Even though it’s the weekend, all I can think about is all the homework I’ve got to do and all the revision and exams coming up, even though I know I can probably do okay in most of them, if I’m lucky. At least I got another A* on my Geography mock. I wish we didn’t have to bother with more mocks, because they just make me worry more about the actual exams, and how I’ll probably get a worse score on the real ones. I don’t want to fail, I truly don’t, but I’m just so tired. I just want to stop caring.

Alex.

I Have News! Sort Of.

Uhm. Well, AGAIN, sorry I haven’t blogged in a while. This time I was genuinely busy. Last week we went to the Lake District for my dad’s friend’s wedding and stayed the night, so, duh, no Internet connection in the Travelodge. And the rest of the time I was out and doing homework and stuff. But I’m catching up now, so be prepared for a pretty long post, because I’m in the mood to type.

We drove down on Saturday morning so that Mum and Dad could watch the actual wedding, and had Subway for breakfast. I didn’t particularly feel like sitting through a boring ceremony, and I wasn’t exactly dressed for it, either, so I elected to walk around Grassmere by myself for a bit. It was fun! I bought a book (The Moth Diaries) from the bookshop and sat in the park to read. It wasn’t even cold, which was good, so I could take off my coat. I ate lunch (M&S pasta and pastries) in the car and waited for my parents to get back before we drove to Kendal to search for Wreck This Journals. None were found, unfortunately. We shopped for a while and then checked in at the Travelodge before we got ready for the wedding. Mum’s friend, Amanda, had given me a dress, but it didn’t really look right when I wore it (I’d tried it on before, but it had looked okay with jeans) so I wore my own black dress with a shawl thing borrowed from Mum. With eyeliner/mascara/perfume, I was good to go. I even had new shoes for the occasion. The drive back to Grassmere took about half an hour, and it was raining again by the time we arrived at the hotel. The reception was VERY posh – the chairs even had those white cloth things with bows at the back on! They looked amazing. The room was actually quite small, but there were a load of tables and a tiny dancefloor. And an open bar! Too bad Dad had to drive home I had to make polite conversation with his bosses (although one was beautiful, although Dad told me that he was 46 and I have a very weird taste) and their wives kissed me on the cheek and I didn’t know what to do. Lisa (the bride) looked gorgeous, and she was really nice (POSSIBLY because she was very drunk) and the groom (David) was also very nice. AND THERE WAS A GORGEOUS GUY!!!! I have no idea who he was, but he looked a little older than me and he was wearing a gorgeous purple shirt and tie, and his hair and his face and just UNGHHHH! He kept looking over and smiling (probably because I kept staring at his beautiful face) and when I got up to get food from the buffet tables, I passed his seat and TOUCHED HIS JACKET!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! Okay, maybe I got a little overwhelmed by the jacket, but guess what happened after that? He almost bumped into me and said ‘OH, SORRY’. HE SPOKE TO ME!!!! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GUY IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE SPOKE TO ME!!!! OH MY GOD!

After the wedding reception, we went back to the Travelodge to sleep. Thankfully, there were no bed incidents, and the night passed easily. We went shopping in Morcambe the next day and then to Lancaster, still looking for journals. This is where Tamara (who planned to have sex last weekend but chickened out because it hurt, so opted for a more embarrassing yet somehow less humiliating for her option) texted me to say that she wasn’t going to tell me anything else she did with her boyfriend because I told Rachel that she gave him a blow job last week. Considering Amy told SIAN!!! Blabbermouth, CLS and all-round bitch, and she proceeded to spread it around the year, when Rae didn’t say a word! Just urgh. She’s a cow anyway – I’ve been trying to ditch her for three years. So at school she claimed she was angry with me, and then tried to make friends, but I shot her down because she’s disgusting and a whore and has horrible hair/possessions/skin/clothes/everything. Her supposedly white headphones turned brown within a couple of days. BUY BLACK ONES, AT LEAST!

On Monday, I had the day off because it was Mum’s birthday and I was ‘tired’. We went to the garden centre because she got a £10 voucher for her birthday, and we bought a couple of plants before we went shopping at the retail park. In the evening, we went for an Indian meal that Dad’s boss paid for because Dad did him a favour, which was okay, but nothing special. School for the rest of the week – parent’s evening was on Wednesday, and I got a glowing review, as usual. I’m too quiet, and I write too much in French. Had KFC for dinner. On Thursday we went to the Chinese buffet with Mum’s friends for her birthday, which was very nice, and the waiter brought a cake out, and I got to help blow out the candles. She got more plants and a £25 voucher for a different garden centre. And three balloons!

Yesterday I went to watch The Avengers with Rachel (who is being mean) and IT WAS BRILLIANT. Robert Downey Jr. was just… AHHHH. Yum. I love him so much.

Today we went to the garden centre to get more plants, and to Nan’s house. Dad and I walked to ASDA (I bought two books) and I got told off a lot. I felt sick and tired (like the Anastacia song!) all day, and even more exasperated when Dad started analysing everything I said and we had to go to Shirley’s house, where children’s knickers were scattered everywhere. Went home. I’ve been sitting here ever since, apart from when Maria knocked to pick up my English book so that she can copy up the script for our next assessment, which we have to perform in groups, and she was a half-hearted add-on because her ‘friends’ ditched her. I didn’t really know what to do when she brought it back, and she ASKED ME TO GO TO TOWN WITH HER TOMORROW!!! I had to say yes, because I didn’t know what else I could possibly say, so now I’m freaking out about that. I don’t get new friends. I just don’t, period.

But – good news!!! Matthew Dicks (the author of Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend) tweeted me!!!!!! I got a tweet from a famous person!!!! I was so happy! He said he’d read my book review on GoodReads and he was ‘humbled’. I’m so proud!!!!! HE READ MY REVIEW!

And Carrie Underwood’s new album came out!!! It’s amazing. My two favourite songs are ‘Two Black Cadillacs’ and ‘See You Again’. Seriously – you have to listen! I also got Carly Rae Jepsen’s album, which is also VERY good, and it isn’t much like Call Me Maybe, which is good, but admittedly chavvy pop.

Woop!

Wish me luck for tomorrow, guys!

AND INSURGENT IS OUT NEXT MONTH!!!! I CAN’T WAIT!

I ordered my Wreck This Journal from Amazon in the end. It should arrive soon!

Alex x x x

School Is Actually A Relief.

Today it was back to school for the teenage population, and I think we all equally resented the notion, but once I actually got there it wasn’t that bad. I realise I haven’t blogged since Thursday night/early Friday morning, so I guess I’ll start with that.

On Friday I went to the lake district with Rachel and her parents. They picked me up at ten thirty in the morning, so I had hardly any sleep, but I was all right once we started driving, PLUS, I’d had bread for breakfast, which was incredibly pleasant. We drove to  Keswick and had lunch, which we ate outside in a garden-thingy, before we went walking along the lake, under various trees which seemed to find it hilarious to poke me in several places at once, got trapped on some spiky rocks, and Rachel was forced on a rope swing which she didn’t like one bit.

After the little walk, we got an ice cream and Rae and I played crazy golf (I beat her – 52 to 70 because she took 16 shots on one hole, and didn’t even finish it!) while her parents went shopping. Peeked in a bookstore, and bought The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-time because I wanted it for ages, which Dad kicked off about once I got home. I don’t care. It’s good.

I got a drink and almost died after biting into a sweet nut thing that was forced upon me, and we drove to Grassmere to look at Wordsworth’s grave/daffodil garden and looked around the shops. I pushed Rae down a grass slope, and we picked out the coolest names from the paving stones. Then we drove to somewhere else (not sure where?) and they had hot drinks, and I had juice. Rae and I had divine bars (mmmmmmm….) and there was a V.E.I in the toilets because the male and female toilets were all in the same room, and the male cubicle was at the end, and the other two were taken up and I was desperate and there was nobody else there, but as I was closing the door a man walked in with  his girlfriend so I had to awkwardly walk out, pretending that I didn’t need it, and wait by the sink until Rae emerged, then I could steal her cubicle.

We looked in some outdoorsy shops and drove home. Argued with my parents. They watched TV again, even though I hadn’t spoken to them for like two days, but they didn’t seem to give a damn.

Saturday was uneventful until Rae slept over at my house, which was incredibly fun. We walked to the shop to stock up on sweets before we played Red Dead Redemption for hours, made a podcast, and browsed tumblr for ages. I had to sleep on the chair with the poufe shoved up against it, and my hip kept sliding into the gap between them, and my face got stuck to the leather, and I’d spilled an entire can of Pepsi on the floor and ruined the duvet cover so we had to swap them over (actually, Rae did – I’m utterly incompetent) and it took me about four hours to actually achieve slumber, and I woke up at seven a.m, which meant I’d had a little over three hours sleep. We played on the PS3 for a bit longer, argued some more, and then Rachel went home.

Then it was time for the beach! I’d wanted to go for ages, but not exactly like this – we went to McDonalds on the way, then met Heather and Graham at their caravan at Formby so Graham could show Dad how to switch the gas on when we stay there in the summer, but Colin (the dancer!) and his wife Andrea were there, so we sat around talking for a whole hour before Dad allowed me to escape by taking me for a walk on the beach. I used to really like Colin but now he’s coming across a bit gay, even though he’s married, and all he ever talks about is himself, and how tough work is, etc. He doesn’t give a damn about anybody else. But still. We climbed up various sand dunes (which were horrible because the spiky grass poked through my tights and killed my leg) and then I slid down one, which was fun, and we walked back to the caravan site along the beach. Poured sand out of our shoes. Made our excuses, said goodbye to the wild-but-tame-enough-to-eat-out-of-your-hand rabbits, and drove to Tesco, where we stocked up on Pepsi Max before going home.

Which brings me to today. Urgh. I dragged myself out of bed, washed, dressed, ate breakfast, straightened my hair, packed my bag, found my missing shoe, and drove to school. Was hugged by various people who I possess various levels of hatred for. Saw my ‘ex-boyfriend’. Haha! The term cracks me up. I’ve just realised – technically, I have an ex-boyfriend!!!!! That is immensely cool. I still don’t think I can relate to any love songs though. I mock the prospect.

After an incredibly boring assembly, we had Biology, which was a horrible shock to the system. Thankfully, in ICT, we didn’t do anything except sit there and browse my tumblr because we’d finished everything else weeks ago. Physics was awful – we have a new, vaguely Indian teacher who Rachel and I are convinced is Sharif (one of my Skype-stalkers, who calls me fat a lot, but has never actually seen me). His name was something crazy like Narayanan, and his voice kept breaking like he was a pre-pubescent teenager. We had no idea what he was talking about anyway – which IS the most stable of the isotopes on the board, which I couldn’t even see? Plus, he kept asking if we were okay, which creeped me out a little.

After this disaster, (and two lots of homework ALREADY) we went to English, and read more of bloody Of Mice and Men. Kill. Me. Now. Most people had forgotten their bloody homework anyway. I don’t know why I tried so hard. Well, MUM tried so hard. But whatever.

Thankfully, in Games we just picked our options and sat around talking. No exercise involved. But I did have to lug my kit around all day, which pissed me off a bit. Still, better than doing things. Spanish was horrendous – an hour after school, only half the class turned up because the others were at hockey, etc., and guess how we spent the hour? PLAYING PICTIONARY. Spanish pictionary, you ask? No. English pictionary. WE COULD HAVE JUST GONE HOME!!!!!!! I just sat there the whole lesson, picked at custard creams and water, and wished I could be somewhere else. I didn’t even join in with the game. I COULD HAVE BEEN ON TUMBLR!!!!

So, yeah, I was annoyed. But Mum made roast potatoes and pork and apple sausages when I got back (after walking home with Alannah – sigh). AND I’M GETTING A WRECK THIS JOURNAL NEXT WEEK!!! YAAAAAY.

Alex x x x

It’s Friday The 13th Again!

I genuinely hate myself for not posting in so long, and I’ve been trying to force myself to get some writing done instead of just sitting on tumblr/Red Dead Redemption all day. I feel very unproductive lately, and lazy, and as if I never do anything.

ANYWAY, I’ll start with last week… I was very much enjoying the Easter holidays, I got most of my homework done (I just have to finish off the English project, but I’m almost done with it). I finished the Chemistry at Rachel’s house, with her assistance, and the Biology (mostly by myself!) and copied up the Geography and answered the exam question. Thankfully, I THINK that’s all we had, but I’ll check my planner later to make sure. On Friday we went to my aunt’s house for a mini Easter-egg hunt for my little cousins, which Peter planned. We walked around the back field, following his little clues, which got the kids all excited and Peter all frustrated because the older boys kept finding them all without giving the little ones a chance. Anyway, they didn’t even seem annoyed when the final clue was ‘Go back to the house’. It’s like they didn’t even see it coming. The prizes were Cadbury’s eggs, which nobody actually seemed to enjoy, but whatever. We stayed at the house for a bit, and I set the laptop up for them, which involved lots of sticky fingers clawing at me, and Chloe having a tantrum which I was expected to resolve because Mum was sorting out money issues with Peter and Shirley at the table, and Dad decided to stay home because he couldn’t be bothered facing the kids. My God, can she scream! Little children are so obstinate.

On Sunday, it was the annual Easter walk with ‘the gang’. We went to somewhere near New Brighton, and hiked up a hill somewhere, by a windmill and around some housing estates. We stopped at a farm on the way back and had a drink in the cafe and looked at the animals (there weren’t many, but there were a couple of baby ducklings and chicks. They were cute). I abandoned Rachel outside because she got lumbered with Alvin the Greyhound. And we had rice krispie cakes!!! Heaven.

On the way back, Rae and I invented the ‘coffee and tea’ system for scoping out hot guys. I don’t think she agreed with the guy I spotted in KFC later on, because he pushed in front of her, which was pretty damn funny. I tried not to let on, though. Being her best-friend and everything.

I can’t believe I’ve watched The Hunger Games movie three times. I went again with Dad last Wednesday, but he wasn’t as impressed as I was. Still. I ALMOST saluted Rue’s death that time. I thought some guy did it in the front row, turned out it was just his shoe resting on the seat in front of him.

Yesterday I had to go to Shirley’s again to fix the laptop, which Neil had somehow managed to back up and get my old password on. The hint I’d set was ’101′. What the frick does that mean?!!! Shirley wouldn’t let go of the fact that ‘I mean, it could be anything. 101 Dalmatians, Room 101, anything. Do you think it’s anything to do with those?’ NO! NO I DO NOT THINK IT’S ONE OF FUCKING THOSE!!!!!! My God!! Even my mum and dad told her that I wouldn’t set something like that as a password, but she WOULDN’T LET IT GO!!!! OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I couldn’t take it after the first three times. Plus, she said it in the exact same pitch as she did the first time, as if these things hadn’t been suggested before. She reminds me of Mum .-.

Today I was home alone again (as I was all of last week, apart from when I went to town with Rae and when she came to my house) so I sat out in the back yard with my laptop for a bit, and played on the PS3, which is all I’ve done for days. Urgh. I did shower, though, and did some laundry, and washed the dishes, and fed the cats, so it’s not like I’ve sat on my ass all day. When the ‘rents got home, we went for a ‘stroll’ along the canal near the World of Glass and to the new Tesco, where we went shopping (I got my all-time favourite garlic loaf, which I’m feasting on now, and which is making every drink I have get a weird aftertaste, which… isn’t pleasant. Still. I have salted popcorn for later! God! There I go again. All I ever bloody do is eat. When we walked from Tesco back down the canal, having fed some very unenthusiastic ducks, we got back to the car and Mum got a Chinese, which I picked at. The chicken was too spicy. But still! ALL I EVER DO.

I’d better sign off now… Rae invited me out ‘somewhere’ with her tomorrow, so I guess I should get some sleep, BUT before I do, I might watch either an episode of Fringe (season 2!) or a bit more of the second Sherlock Holmes movie, like I did last night. MY GOD LATE NIGHT TV GIVES YOU BRILLIANT DREAMS!!! My last dream was overly-complicated, so I won’t bore you with it here, but I’m trying to pass the time until midnight so that I can change the name of this post to ‘It’s Friday the 13th Again!’. So, yeah.

Mum’s doing an NVQ at work and she had to fill in this questionnaire booklet with questions such as ‘My dog was ill. I took him to the _____’ Fill in the blank. AND IT’S MULTIPLE CHOICE!! It’s so super-fabulously easy, I wanted to do it for her, but she’d already filled it in. But you want to know something funny? (Tick tock <—- Haha, this sounds like Wiress in Catching Fire!!! Sorry. Sidetracked .-.) She spelled ‘replies’ like ‘replys’ but she’d already crossed it out and corrected it, so I couldn’t do it for her. But it made me chuckle.

Good times.

HERE’S A FAVOURITE SONG LIST!!!!

1. Dear John – Jessie James

2. Ego – Jessie James

3. We Got Us – Canaan Smith

4. The Clock Strikes Two – To Be Juliet’s Secret <— THIS BAND IS AMAZING! Found them last night, have become SLIGHTLY obsessed. IT ISN’T EVEN COUNTRY!!!

5. The Photograph – Julia Sheer

6. Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen (I found this before it was in the bloody charts!!! Stupid people at school :\)

7. Eighteen Inches – Lauren Alaina

8. Forever and Always – Parachute

9. Blush (Only You) – Plumb (Rae, you might like this. I know you don’t read these lists, but LISTEN TO THIS ONE! CAPITAL LETTERS AND LONG SENTENCES WILL GRAB YOUR ATTENTION! HOPEFULLY…

10. Nineteen – Alex G

Night, dear readers!

Alex x x x

Well THAT Was An Insanely Disproportionate Anti-Climax!!!!

Yeah, guys, I’ve returned to the land of the single, and I’m immensely glad to be back. My supposed ‘relationship’ really didn’t work out. But thankfully, no tears have been spilled, no first kisses ruined, and no angry words said. GOOD LORD HE WAS A CREEPER!

It started off okay. I kind of liked him, honestly! He was funny. But… we talked on Skype a lot. And we video called and stuff. And, last Thursday, he came round to my house after school when Kirsten was there. And that’s when the creepiness settled in. Firstly, the jacket. OH GOD THE JACKET!!! Such an eyesore, honestly. It’s years old, apparently, and has lots of holes in, and I don’t think he’s washed it in months. I knew I’d never be attracted to him in that way in the first place, so I tried my best to push the jacket aside. Now onto the compulsive lying. He just spurted random crap all the time! It’s like he didn’t register what was coming out of his mouth. He told me about some guy who went to our primary school getting his teeth literally knocked out because he cheated on a game of Monopoly, and how he’d ACTUALLY punched a random guy in the balls when he was walking home from school. I don’t know whether this was supposed to impress me or not, but if it was, it didn’t work. He also told me that he’s been in two car crashes (neither of which seemed of any consequence whatsoever), shot himself in the foot with his air gun (maybe this was true? I’m doubtful, to say the least), stabbed himself in the side (WITH A DINING UTENSIL!) and owned a poisonous tarantula that nobody has ever seen even though Tamara’s been to his house, and which he refused to show me while we were chatting on webcam. Oh, and apparently his mum told him that his dad was dead when he was actually living in Canada. OH! AND THE ‘INSOMNIA’. Apparently he never slept for more than 45 minutes, which was fine. I accepted it. But, no, he had to push it, didn’t he? He HAD to keep prattling on about it until I could no longer take it. Plus, he was always so awake and cheery! AND HE MOCKED ME FOR NEEDING SLEEP! But this wasn’t even what angered me. What angered me was the fact that he always logged off Skype at around half past one in the morning, when I was still up, writing, and decided that he needed to go. Such a fricking liar! Insomniac my ass. AND THE EYE!!!!!!!!!! He has really long hair, longer than mine, actually, and he always keeps a really thick fringe over one eye. Again, fine! But when he told me that he was born with a condition that meant sunlight burned one retina even if he looked directly away from it (bearing in mind that I’d gone to the same primary school as him and he used to have really short hair, and his eye was perfectly fine then) and he kept MOVING THE HAIR OUT OF HIS EYE WHEN HE WAS STANDING IN THE SUN… What is the point of that lie, really? Anyone? No, I didn’t think you had answers for me. It wasn’t even as if he wanted pity, because if I ever said ‘aww’ he’d just tell me that he was a big tough guy. Maybe it was to make himself seem more masculine? It really didn’t work. One more big lie really bugged me – apparently it ‘ruined his anatomy’ if he ate before 8 pm. Considering he ate toasties at my house at 7 and it didn’t seem to mess up his fragile infrastructure, this was probably a lie too. And he could eat in school, because apparently that’s a total exception to his manic rule.

Next, onto the gaming obsession. Urgh! I thought I could handle it at first, but turns out I couldn’t. He ignored me for hours on end because he was ‘in a tournament’. And I mean ignored. It really started to piss me off after a while, which kind of led to the whole splitting up thing, but that’s for later. Firstly, I need to explain just why he creeped me out so much.

He came into my house and stood there for ages before I actually had to tell him to sit down, which he did. I think Kristie was already creeped out by this point. The TV remote fell from the arm of the chair into his lap when he sat down, and he reeled away from it, which might have been funny if he’d then just let it go, but he continued to say ‘oh, hello remote’ and stayed in THE EXACT SAME POSITION until I literally had to tell him ‘you could just move it’. He also pretended to be afraid of my eReader, which I harmlessly took out of my bag. He then taunted me with a half-eaten strawberry bonbon (admittedly, it was MY half-eaten strawberry bonbon, but still!) which angered me. And he touched my bed!!!! HE TOUCHED IT!!! A huge number of weird occurrences took place at my house, but I won’t bore you by going into detail. Long story short, he was ignoring me MAJORLY last night, so I (jokingly!) said ‘right, that’s it, you’re dumped’ and he got really angry, but didn’t comply. Tonight, he told me, just to have the upper hand, I think, after I posted a Skype status saying ‘my so-called boyfriend is ignoring me’ that our relationship was officially over, although I’d ‘officially’ ended it the previous night. The actual quote is ‘Our relationship has reached its inevitable end’.

I think I should be upset, at least, but I’m really not. We hugged a couple of times, but that’s it. He didn’t even peck me on the cheek, or vice versa (thank God!!! He has a very small, pathetic attempt at a ‘I can’t be bothered to shave’ look, although he hasn’t got enough facial hair to pull it off). It was basically a friendship with a couple of ‘love you honey’s and virtual hearts. I’m not actually sure why I asked him out in the first place. Nothing really changed. The one time he spoke to me in school, it was just really awkward and embarrassing. Neither of us knew what to say to each other.

I don’t really know what to feel right now. Betrayed? Angry? Hurt? Like a chunk of my heart is missing? I don’t feel any of those things, just maybe a distant revulsion. The only thing I am pissed about is that now I don’t get to see the Hunger Games for a third time on Wednesday. Maybe a friend will take pity on me because I’m so heartbroken and my only ever relationship is over and I’m going to spend the next few nights crying into my pillow, sobbing for my broken heart? I don’t think so…

BUT – on the bright side (not that there was actually a negative side to this, but whatever) I finished reading two books today. Skin Deep, which was a light romance with a murder plot, was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. I only bought it the other night in Tesco, but I’m so glad I found it! It was really brilliant, and I fell in love with Ryan. I also finished reading Legend (yeah, Rae, I finally managed to slog through it – told you I would!) but that wasn’t half as good. Still, I enjoyed it in some parts, especially from Day’s POV. I’m also reading The Forest of Hands and Teeth, which I sort of expected to be good but isn’t really what I thought it would be, and Article 5, which is a pretty good read, and I plan to read Fever soon. I really need to finish Last Breath and Angel, but Angel has so many plot holes that I really can’t be bothered, and Last Breath takes ages to get to the point. I’m also thinking of rereading Noughts and Crosses, which was brilliant, despite my friends’ opinions, and Catching Fire, both of which I really enjoyed the first time around. OH and I also want to finish reading Matched – I got halfway through it ages ago and gave up because the characters annoyed me, but I’ve been reading a lot of dystopias lately and I might have changed my opinion. I’m still not completely over how FANTASTIC Pandemonium and Divergent were. I CAN’T WAIT FOR INSURGENT TO BE RELEASED!! And, according to Rae, it’s getting made into a movie. We’ll see where that leads.

Now, I think, bedtime for me. I’m glad it’s the Easter holidays, and I’ve started my homework already – we have to do 7 different things for an English project, 3 of which I’ve already completed, and I have a Geography exam question to answer that won’t take that long, a Chemistry exam paper, and questions for Biology. Seriously, I don’t know why they bother letting us have holidays, because they’re all taken up by homework anyway. Urgh.

Rachel, Kirsten and Zoey came round to mine on Friday (which was a dramatic change from Thursday, thank goodness). Kirsten and/or Zoey entered my Twitter account (and still think I haven’t realised) and wrote ‘Cock <3′. So immature, I know. We went to town, had Subway (I bought Incarceron, a book that I’ve wanted to read for ages) and I reaaaaally want the Hunger Games poster from HMV. REEEEALLY WANT IT! So I’m getting it this week with the Easter money I got from Nan and Grandad, who we visited on Friday night after going to McDonalds. They’re so kind. They complained a lot about their next door neighbour, Elsie, which was quite amusing. She sounds a lot like Mary…

AND MARIA! OH, MARIA. She’s actually started being friendly! She waves at me in the street and in Maths on Thursday, she asked if I’d like to play chess with her!!!

Love you all loads!

Alex x x x

Sorry I Left Y’all!

I’m genuinely sorry that I haven’t blogged for a while – I meant to post last night but I didn’t have the willpower.

On Saturday I went to Chester with mis padres – bought the Converse I wanted for ages, hi-tops with the American flag on. They’re gorgeous, and I think I’m in love with them. I got a milkshake that was really good last time but this time was a bit crappy, and five books. It was a brilliant day – the sun was shining and I actually had some money, for once in a while. We had loads of free cheese samples in the market, and there was an awesome stall where you could just take other people’s old stuff for free. Saying that, the stuff was old and creepy, and probably very chewed. I didn’t take anything. We walked along the walls and stuff, by the horse track, and shopped. I got loads of sweets. It was a very good day! We went shopping in Sainsbury’s after it, which was an absolute disaster because I tried to skid across the floor with the trolley but it was empty and I leaned on it too hard and the whole thing flipped over, sending me sprawling on my face on the floor. The trolley went crashing into a shelf, upside down, and my parents forced me to stay in the car for the duration of their shop, with a bruised elbow, winded stomach and scraped knee. PLUS – I got signalled to by a police-officer to put my seat-belt on, because I ‘forgot’. At least he didn’t alert my parents. Still. Embarrassing!

On Sunday we went to town to sell my old iPod Nano to pay off my Converse debt, and had McDonalds. There was a poster of my two lovelies in Curry’s Digital, so Mum, being the lovely woman that she is, went into the store and got me a leaflet for my notice board with them on it. Ungghhhh Jude is so hot!!! I went to the tip with Dad and helped him dump things in the crusher. Talk about immense fun.

Yesterday I went for a walk with Michael. You know, Tamara’s ex-boyfriend, who she still claims to be in love with even though she’s rejected him numerous times and has her own boyfriend? Yeah. That one. It was really fun – he’s actually quite sweet and witty. I got chips and ended up throwing some at him because he refused to eat one, and we talked about various things. And then we were Skyping, and uhm…. I asked him out. And, uhm… he said yes. It was really weird because I was immensely scared and I didn’t ask outright so I made him guess and he sent me this really sweet picture that said ‘Will you go out with me?’ and had two tick boxes that both said yes. After a bit of deliberating because ‘it would upset Tamara’ he agreed, and he’s been very nice to me since. He had some ICT diploma thing today so he wasn’t in school, but he will be tomorrow, and I’m fucking terrified. What if I’m a bad kisser?!!!

But, yeah. He says I’m beautiful, and he’s funny, and he has long hair Not that I’m really attracted to him THAT way, but y’know. Anyway, mum’s very proud.

AND I WENT TO SEE THE HUNGER GAMES MOVIE ON FRIDAY!!!! IT WAS SO GOOD!!!!! OMG OMG WHEN RUE DIED!!! I CRIED. I ADMIT IT. I’m going to watch it again tomorrow with Rae again, so that’ll be fun. And we break up on Tuesday! AND MY WHOLE FRICKING EASTER HOLIDAYS ARE GOING TO BE TAKEN UP BY A BLOODY ENGLISH PROJECT!!!

AAAARGH.

I’m scared about seeing Michael. But kind of excited. And my stomach hurts.

THAT BLOODY AEROBICS WOMAN!!!

Alex x x x x x

P.S – Thank you, Elizabeth, for your gorgeous comment, and you made me cry, I admit it. I was feeling much better by the end

I Wish I Was Beautiful.

I’m sick of everybody treating me like I’m shit scraped off the sole of their shoe, because I’m not. I’m fucking better than most of the people at school that walk around glued to their phones with vacant thoughts going through their empty heads. But being smart doesn’t get you anywhere except lower into the hole you’ve dug for yourself, because all that comes with it is more fucking pressure and ridiculous expectations. I can’t handle pressure right now. People keep telling me that writing is a good thing and it’ll get me so far, but where the frick will it? Boys don’t like smart. Guys like pretty and sexy and beautiful. Nobody’s ever going to look at me like that, because I’m not beautiful to anybody. I hate myself sometimes. I’m never going to be enough for anybody. Even my parents don’t think I’m good enough.

I hate them all. I want all the people at school to dig their own graves and throw themselves into them and let me smother them with the dirt. I want to shoot them all standing in a line, looking right into my eyes so they’ll know that quiet people have feelings too.

 

It’s FRIDAY, FRIDAY, Gotta Get Down On FRIDAY!

Hi, kind readers!! I’m kind of exhausted today… I have a really bad headache, but I’m happy it’s finally the weekend!

School was boring for the whole week. I had Geography, French, Physics, Chemistry and PE today – it’s weird, but I think PE is actually being quite good this year, even though I’m awful at netball. We had to go to RS revision at lunch, which meant eating in a room full of people, which was slightly embarrassing, and I had to do the same thing yesterday for RE. I mean, I even got a letter home that told me I didn’t have to go, but the teachers started ranting at us so I guess we have to anyway. I have loads of homework again… Spanish, French, Chemistry, Physics and Geography. The Spanish won’t take long, but I don’t know ANY of the Physics answers because I wasn’t in last week, even though I copied up what I missed… Urgh. I THINK I can sort of do the Chemistry, and the French can just be done with Google Translate and the textbook that the teacher gave to me and Rachel… I can’t even remember what the Geography is. OH! I’m supposed to ‘develop some points’. I can do that easily, too. Still. Boring.

Kirsten told me she wanted to go for ‘a long walk’ so she came to mine at about five today, even though we were supposed to meet at half past four, and her mum dropped us off in town. We walked around for a bit, trying to avoid the chavs, and had dinner in McDonalds before using the toilets in Cineworld and rushing out of there before anyone caught us. Kirsten insisted on walking to this housing estate that’s just outside the town centre because some guy she likes lives there, although we obviously didn’t see him. We walked around that. It was really dull, because she didn’t even speak to me, just messed around on her phone. Majorly frustrating. We walked back to town and hung around in ‘Hobo Heaven’ for a while, because Kristie kept insisting that ‘they’re really nice people’ even though she doesn’t know anyone there and she was terrified of coming across Eleanor, who’s been really annoying lately. We saw Jade, who didn’t look as if she wanted to be seen with any none emo/goths, and Sasha, who was dashing off to some invitation-only party. In the end we called Kirsten’s mum to pick us up and waited behind the cinema. A really drunk, pot-bellied old man walked past us, shouting to himself, and looked straight at me because Kirsten had her back to him, and made this really creepy growling sound deep in his throat and looked me up and down. It was REALLY creepy. I didn’t know what to do, so I just ducked my head. Urgh. It reminds me of the time Catherine and I almost got raped in London. We were walking by the Tower of London, just a bit in front of my parents, and this guy came stumbling down the tunnel bit, and asked us directions to the Tower, which was right next to us. I told him that I wasn’t sure, and that he should ask my dad. He legged it. It was horrible!

I stayed at Kirsten’s house for a bit until she annoyed me so much that I phoned Dad to pick me up. And I’ve been here ever since!

Laura pissed me off again in Spanish yesterday. She ate almost a full, double-stacked packet of custard creams to herself in like ten minutes flat, while the rest of us only had two or three. ALANNAH LIKES CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!!!!! I WAS SO SHOCKED!!!!!

Alex x x x x